Category Archives: Mothering

Mapping the edge

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I’ve been a bit ambivalent lately writing about Mr.Spock and his Asperger’s. I’ve been…over it. I delete unread the emails from the various autism list-servs that I once devoured eagerly. I stopped Hulu-ing shows like Parenthood because, really, I can do that same wide-eyed look of horror/surprise/unexpected joy at something my Aspie does myself, and save myself the maudlin hour. I’m just done, y’all.

Now, that’s not to say there aren’t issues we parents of Aspies have in common anymore, but it’s like being on a bad date. It goes something like, “‘Oh, your child talks incessantly about dinosaurs? Mine, too!’ [insert awkward pause].” Yes, he knows everything about outer space, dinosaurs, and, surprisingly, firearms. We live in a part of the country where there is a museum for everything under the sun. I belong to all of them. I ask, what next?

What happens to my Aspie who can do algebra but can’t write proper sentences, who can hack online video games but can’t tie his sneakers, who wears tie-dye peace shirts with camouflage pants? Where does his future lie? I worry. I worry when Aspies aren’t the geeky Flavor of the Month. I worry when the idea of a such a contradictory being is no longer appealing to a studio audience. I worry when a television dramedy can no longer be carried on their quirky shoulders.

I do what I can to help Spock grow as close toward the best self as he was meant to be. Autistic rage? Otterbox for the iPad, Craigslist for the furniture, yogini mama practicing nonattachment…Boo-yah! Into Kronosaurus? Whelp gotdamn, we’ll go to the Museum of Natural History as many times as it takes, son. Stargazing your thing? I will monitor every sky occurrence visible to the naked eye in our hemisphere and wake you up to see it, no matter the time. I will even play Legos. Anything to validate your interests and maybe even encourage new ones.

We’ll figure it out as we go along.

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Aspielicious

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I’ve wanted to write a post on Mr. Spock and how we navigate his Asperger’s, especially since April is Autism Awareness Month, but nothing would come. Actually, nothing inspirational would come. Everything I thought to write about was slightly depressing: the military precision with which I have to run my household, how every word out of my mouth is meaningful to him, and can be recalled as if there were a court reporter set up in my living room, how I have to bite my tongue when we go out so I am not mouthing, “he has Asperger’s,” with the same solemnity people use when they say someone got divorced or has a terminal illness. Or how much I’ve grown to hate Legos.

I am very fortunate this school year, in that Spock’s new school has a team that is working together to make his experience a good one. His math and reading skills are above grade level, though he needs the TA to scribe for him. His teacher gives him “jobs” to help integrate him into the classroom, and he is able to earn art time for predetermined “good behavior”.  His teacher is tech savvy, and he does a lot of homework on his iPad. Really, I can’t complain.

So, I decided to just ask Spock what he thought about Asperger’s. I got him at a good time, as he was jumping on his trampoline. He said, “Asperger’s. That’s what I have. That’s why sometimes things are difficult, like looking at people in the face. But don’t put a bumper sticker on your car! It’s not yours; it’s mine! And I’m better at putting things together than you. That’s all I want to say.”

Boom!

Solvitur ambulando

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Mr. Spock has been having a bit of a hard time adjusting to his brother’s absence. He is too accustomed to bouncing words, ideas and hard-edged toys off of his big brother. Add to that a shared custody scenario, and you have a little boy who wanders grouchily around our house, unshelving books and scattering his knights and dragons. “I want my brother,” he cries, but refuses to talk when Sporticus calls. Some mornings, he lies on his brother’s bed, clutching his pillow, rocking to and fro.

Mr. Spock doesn’t want to discuss it. He runs from my words, my hugs, and coconut popsicle bribes. This past weekend, I decided to approach him sideways, as one does a cat. I sat on the sofa, and began to knit. He raged and screamed; I increased and decreased stitches, occasionally pointing out a particularly interesting pattern in the variegated yarn. He ran around the house in a diminishing circuit, eventually turning around and around on the rug in front of me.

‘Would you like to do some yoga poses,” I asked him. He kept spinning. “Maybe sit next to me and knit?” He blocked his ears and spun some more. My little one, my elvin boy with the Athena sea-grey eyes, my rational child, was completely off his nut. How perfect; I can relate to that.

I put aside my knitting and pulled on my boots. “Let’s go for a hike in the woods,” I said.

“No! Damn no! And hell!” Mr. Spock sat on the boot mat next to the front door, blocking the way out.

“This is not the time for swearing, Spock. This is the time for shakin’ it off. Let’s do this, boy.”

“No; it’s too cold.”

“That’s the best time to stomp around the trees. Warms them up.” I took the opportunity to slip on his jacket on as he thought about what I had said. His eyes grew big.

“Really?”

“Nah, but it sounded good, right? Move it out!” We tumbled out the door, laughing.

Solvitur ambulando is a Latin phrase which means, “It is solved by walking.” I first read it in Bruce Chatwin’s book Songlines, which includes writings about Aboriginal song and its connections to nomadic travel. For me, walking is meditation. I will walk in a rainstorm or on a beautiful Autumn day. I will walk with tears rolling down my face, and I will walk with a grin. I walk and take in the world around me, with a gaze of appreciation, not ownership. I have a gypsy soul, and I passed this gift on to Spock.

We are lucky enough to live next to a conservation area, and it has many marked trails to follow. I set a brisk pace that made it difficult to talk. I wanted him to work off some of his anxiety through the motion of his legs, using the pressure of climbing up hills and the resistance of walking down them. We automatically played Simon Says, hopping from rock to rock, or reaching up and tapping branches above our heads. We kept this up until we reached train tracks. Mr. Spock stopped. At this point, we usually crossed a stone bridge over the river and sat next to the water. This time, Spock turned and started walking parallel to the track.

“There’s not going to be another train for a while; it’s Saturday,” he said, picking up a broken tree branch and using it as a walking stick. He started off, and I followed behind him. His cheeks and nose were red from the cold, yet his step was light and controlled. We didn’t talk and we didn’t sing; we just walked in silence, listening to the crunch of gravel beneath our feet and watching our breath puff out into the air. There was no destination, no agenda and no purpose but to walk the sees. A “see” is an informal way to measure distance, literally meaning as far as one can see, and strangely accurate for giving directions. That day, Mr. Spock walked about three sees down the road before he turned to me and simply said, “I’m done. I’m okay. Let’s go home.”

In this season of Forced Family Fun, of financial stresses and/or sadness of yet another year passing you by, try walking it off. Put down your dishcloth and make a circuit around the yard. Turn off your computer and jog down your street. Put a big smile on for your houseguests, then walk right out your back door. Don’t stop until you have shaken off the mean reds.

Solvitur ambulando.

Rescue Me

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Mr. Spock began his new school, and he is adjusting well. He likes his teacher, likes his assistants, likes the new building…blah, blah, blah. We have been sticking to his schedule, and it’s been fantastic.

Sporticus likes boarding school. He is enjoying his classes, is a starter for his team, is meeting great people…blah, blah, blah.

I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, because so much harmony is, frankly, unnatural.

I thrive in chaos. I know how to be the center of the hurricane, the glue holding the bits an’ pieces together, the solid-steady-no-she’s-not-a-statue-cause-I-swear-I-saw-her-breathe Ice freakin’ Queen. I handle my crap, the kids’ crap, his crap, her crap, and I’d probably handle your crap, too, if you needed it. But what does such a person do if there’s no crap to be found? I wait. And wait.

Crisis can be addictive. The forethought and planning we must do for our children becomes an intricate battle plan. Everyone is an obstacle, every situation a potential bloodbath. As long as there is a threat, then there is someone to save.

I have been in suspended animation for the past couple weeks, just waiting for stuff to go wrong. Mr. Spock’s teacher called me…to tell me how cool and smart he is. Sporticus texts me that everything is just peachy. Hung out with my former in-laws last week, and it was really pleasant.

Damn, it makes me antsy.

So, rather than luxuriating in my anxiety, I’ve been trying to turn my nervous energy toward knitting, sewing and gardening. Hands in the earth, hands guiding cloth, hands working wool. That’s my therapy. I am learning to take this respite from constant vigilance, and chill the heck out.

Sometimes even Wonder Woman has to check herself and put the bulletproof cuffs away, ’til they’re really needed.

Ex-Husband Texts

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Hey, would you say I am low high-maintenance, or high low-maintenance?

Sorry to say, but you’re a little bit on the higher side. LOL.

High low-maintenance, then?

Sorry, but no. Higher.

Low high-maintenance?

Wait, is this for some dating thing?

Not really; I’m just trying to figure it out.

Yeah, well don’t tell a dude you’re high-maintenance. Remember “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong”.

Hmmm…

Feel free to tell them you’re crazy, though.

Truth in advertising!

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“There are only two questions worth considering: what is and what is next.”
- Pearl Cleage